I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
