I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
