Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
