Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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