i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
