True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
