Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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