You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
