I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
