yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
