Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
