some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My bed smells like the plague
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
