I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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