she pinky promised me she was 18
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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