Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
