Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
