a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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