I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
