I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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