Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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