i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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