The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
