girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
