What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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