the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i think i have two assholes
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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