she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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