the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
