Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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