I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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