we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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