I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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