I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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