I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
