At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
