I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
