I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
