a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
