Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
