You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Randomize
