Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
