I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
