Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
