New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
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