Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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