Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
