Yo dont text me then not text me
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
