From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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