if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
