I think I died a long time ago.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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