and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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