We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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