I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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