i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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