What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
