Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Your shirt... Was in my pants
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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