so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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